astrological nonsequitor, your horoscope

(Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
Aries

(Apr. 20 - May 20)
Taurus

(May 21 - June 20)
Gemini

(June 21 - July 22)
Cancer

(July 23 - Aug. 22)
Leo

(Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
Virgo

(Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Libra

(Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
Scorpio

(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Sagittarius

(Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Capricorn

(Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Aquarius

(Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
Pisces

ARIES: Your intuition should serve you well. Trust your instincts while on your acid trip when trying to distinguish the rainbow colored monster trying to eat your genitalia and the prostitute from the Emperor's Club who is trying to eat your genitalia. Try not to panick over rashes that appear on your body. Most likely it is from sweat rather than an STD.

TAURUS: A planetary body will give you a quick kick in the ass if you don't get your head out of Uranus. Someone the size of Jupiter is about to come into your life and will put you in touch with new friendly faces. Sadly you won't be able to see those friendly faces under their white hoods as you are blinded by the burning cross in front of you. Your new friend will give you a choice between death or death by "unga bunga." Your choices will help your new life unfold or allow your body to be found in a ditch somewhere.

GEMINI: Middle aged people have needs and you may be the one to fulfill those needs. People will respond to you differently when they see you with your new puff-grandaddy or grandmother. Make sure to pimp out their wheel chair or walker so you still look fly. On a positive note your new friend can take his or her teeth out.

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CANCER: It's a wonderful day to go out dancing. You should try a busy freeway onramp. The people who honk their horns at you are only trying to tell you how much they love your sense of style. I would ignore any obscenities they scream out at you.

LEO: If you have been having doubts about your relationship, whether it is friendship or romantic, you should not have any doubts that it is doomed to failure. Do not make any decisions about the rash you have. If you do not have a rash yet then you have more doubts about your relationships! Avoid any hot dates that you normally would pick up in the Tenderloin in San Francisco. You should probably be comitted.

VIRGO: Pancakes is the word for today. You tend to spend your time focused on the all you can eat pancake days at Ihop instead of your work. Today is an ideal point for you to kick your boss in the ass and then find yourself a new job. You can puruse the newspaper while having pancakes at Ihop. Be sure to eat a lot of pancakes as without a job you may be going a long time between meals. Try taking on new forms of expression through art. It is amazing how much money you can make with a piece of cardboard and some marking pens while standing at a busy intersection.

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LIBRA: There will be relationship issues for you to deal with today. The person you cheated on with has someone else they were cheating on as well. It seems you just cannot trust anyone these days. Be sure you duck when you hear the sound of a gun chamber being loaded. Compromising photos of your indescretions have been posted to Youtube. Be ready for a call from family and friends as they discover these images while looking on Youtube instead of working.

SCORPIO: You are likely to be in a sociable mood today, drugs and alcohol make that so much easier. However, your desire for fun and company will cut into your bank account as you spend all your money on drugs, alcohol, and prostitutes. Your boss will be upset that you were not at work and even more upset that you did not invite him or her to hang out with you and indulge in drugs, alcohol, and prostitutes. Your friends will be impressed at your party prowess.

SAGITTARIUS: You will waste your time reading online horoscopes. You will take all the advice given to you to heart and believe it is the only true path to salvation. You will contact the writer of any horoscope you read and send them large sums of cash. If you are cute and female you should probably have sex with the horoscope writer as well or your life is doomed to disaster!

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CAPRICORN: The stars and planets are not working in your favor today. You are not going to have the energy to do what you need to do today. You might as well stay home in bed and not do anything. Maybe tomorrow you can tackle the problems you need to worry about. Most likely you will continue to be lazy and avoid the issues until you lose your home. If you have any Virgo friends they may be able to lend you their artwork.

AQUARIUS: Your horoscope for today is the opposite of your last one. If your last one was positive then you are doomed today. If your last one was negative then great things are in store for you. You may want to have an ambulance on standby or contraceptives on hand depending on your last horoscope.

PISCES: Your day will be an emotionally charged day. You are very likely to overreact to the jerks and morons who complicate your day. Make sure you do not carry any weapon which can lead to a felony manslaughter conviction. You may want to try duct taping your mouth shut so you con't say something stupid.